A Humorous interlude

Somethinbg to bring a smile to the face of the Pump readers

SPORTS

Golf

The same foursome played every day at ten o'clock. They were known as the three-hour gang, always finished by 1pm so they could play gin all afternoon.One eventful day, they ran into a foursome ahead of them, playing incredibly slow. The guys in the three-hour gang waved and waved at each tee, but the group ahead never moved aside to let them through.

After a frustrating five and one-half hour round, the gang came into the men's bar fuming. The slow group was at a table across the room and the whole bar could hear the cussing coming from the gang.

Finally, the waitress approached the gang and said, "You guys should lighten up. That group you're cussing out? they can't see. They're blind golfers and I think it's great they can even play!"

The first player in the gang felt terrible and told the waitress, "You're right, tell you what; send them over a round of drinks on me!"

The second guy told the waitress to put the blind golfers' lunches on his tab.

The third guy sent a caddie to the pro shop for four sleeves of balls to present to the blind golfers.

Everyone looked at the fourth guy. "Screw 'em", he grumbled, "Tell those idiots to play at night."

The Golfing Preacher

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." The Lord nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup, 420 yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and very excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

The Lord smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

Health

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"

Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger".

AUTHORITY/BUSINESS

Meaning of the business language:

Phrase Meaning

We have to be more competitive Say goodbye to salary increases

We must focus on our core business We can't find our butt with both hands

You are empowered You are the monarch of unimportant decisions

We're re-engineering your function Adios Tonto, and the horse you rode in on

Training is essential We're trying to hire some trained people

We value employee input We think humour is important

Military

French Jokes

Q: How do you stop a French tank?

A: By shooting the soldier pushing it.

Q: Why does the new French Navy have glass-bottom boats?

A: So they can see the old French Navy.

Q: Did you hear about the old French rifles for sale on Ebay?

A: Never been fired, dropped only once.

Q: The French have just ordered a new national flag.

A: It's a white cross on a white background

Q: Why do the French eat snails?

A: It gives them speedier reactions.

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.

US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.

Religion

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman also steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, dark, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody".

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart! attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Homer Simpson Quotations

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Legal

Why don't snakes bite attorneys? Professional courtesy.

True Stories

Georgia: Investigating a purse snatching, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect carefully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home...with the chain still attached to the machine...with their bumper still attached to the chain...with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

Michigan: Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

The U. S. Attorney in Miami declined to prosecute a drug smuggling case in which the Customs Service had confiscated a half ton of marijuana because the office is overworked and won't touch cases under the 2.5 ton minimum.

This selection of court room jokes are, unbelievably, REAL!

Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?

Witness: Oral.

Lawyer: Mr. Matthews, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

Witness: I used to be.

Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?

Witness: Not yet.

Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body of Mr. Smith?

Witness: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.

Lawyer: And Mr. Smith was dead at the time, is that correct?

Witness: No! He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

Witness: That's me.

Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, "Guess who?"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Elderly

Two old trouts are driving along at night and they go through a red light. The passenger is greatly alarmed and looks with trepidation's they approach another red. Once again they go straight through and the passenger is terrified as cars zoom past. She is almost shaking with fear as they approach another red. And yes, they proceed right through it, with cars swerve and honking all around them. Unable to contain herself, she turns to her companion and yells 'that's three red lights we have driven through. Are you trying to get us killed?' Her companion turns in astonishment. 'Am I driving?'

Ray Thompson