Brain Cramps

A humorous lok at celebrity views on the rest of the world

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss U.S.A. contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

-- Mariah Carey, singer

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for the Federal Anti-smoking Campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky Basketball Forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in

the country,"

-- Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

-- A U.S. congressional candidate in Texas.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"

-- George W. Bush, U.S. President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

-- former president of American Motors, Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the

truth. I assisted in furthering that version."

-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like

Norman Einstein."

-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &! sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of

people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

!

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

-- former U.S.. President Bill Clinton,

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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

-- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

-- State Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

-- Mark S. Fowler, former Federal Communications Commission Chairman

Ray Thompson