Heather's Humour.....

Some light hearted inputs from Heather

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any!

I went to the butchers the other day, and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high".

"Doctor, Doctor! I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home!". "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me". is it common?". "It's Not Unusual!".

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Phone answering machine message - "If you want to buy marijuana - press the hash key..."

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!". "I know you can't", the Doctor replied, "I've cut your arms off!"

I went to a seafood disco the other week and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that "You can't have your kayak and Heat it"!

I was getting in my car the other day, when this guy walks up to me and says "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great; the world is your oyster. Go for it!"

A man walks into the doctors and says "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor says "Well don't go there anymore!"

Two blondes walk into a building - well you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it".

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed - is there anything you can do for him". "Well" says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Then he checks his teeth, and his ears. Finally he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." What~ because he's cross eyed?" "No, because he's very heavy".

Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself.

Passed on by Heather Durrance