Insights into antipodean airline humour!

Some spicey air line humour

All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the

in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more

entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot

said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be

turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the

appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings.

If you are going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd

like to have."

"There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways to leave the aircraft."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice

came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a

flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when

opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure

as f*** everything has shifted."

From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To

operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull

tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how

to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from

the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If

you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.

"Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but

we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,

nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an

emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

compliments."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead

area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting

children... or other adults acting like children."

Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The

flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the

airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his

ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required

the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,

and give them a "Thanks for flying United. "He said that, in light of his

bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking

that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on

with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash

and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the

gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are

silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you

folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge

to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll

think of Qantas."

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - S**T! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Ray Thompson