YES - THE WEDDING

Les, with tongue firmly in cheek, looks at "The Wedding!"

A couple I know very well recently celebrated 50 years of wedded bliss. Well they have been married for 50 years, whether it has been bliss or not is none of my business.

What did impress me was the photo which appeared in their village newsletter, taken on their wedding day. I have to say I thought it was first class. It took me back to my wedding day, and what a contrast, the couple I'm on about looked totally relaxed, very smart, no praise can be too high. When I look back I remember being nothing more than a nervous wreck and our wedding photo's proved it. I have often thought that I would like to go through the whole business just one more time and if I did things would be different, well I hope they would.

I wouldn't get married in Church or, for that matter, Chapel; though I agree my better half would no doubt have a say in the matter. Let's hope it would be left just to us two to sort out and not every member of both families. My choice would be to be married in some hotel. For a start, you would be paying. So you could invite who you wanted; even the Minister would be someone of your own choosing.

What about the Guests? Surely you wouldn't invite him and her even if they were related? Let's face it, you can't stand them. Invitations would be sent out to a selected group requesting that they consider attending the wedding at such and such a place and at with a kick off time of 2.30pm. Admission would be £10. Yes an admission charge would be made. I can't imagine why on earth I should invite some 100 friends; where would I find them? I haven't got 100 friends in any case and to think I should give them all a good meal at my expense, no way can that be considered. No, an admission charge would be a must.

Bridesmaids? Well we can dispense with them; this is 2005 bridesmaids are gone, forgotten, an unnecessary luxury. What about the Best Man? Well he can go as well; best men have to make speeches, which they try to make humorous. Well this is not an occasion for laughter, it's a time to look to the future, and who's to know just what is round the corner, what disaster is awaiting us. The last thing you want is some clever clogs waffling on. If there is any waffling to be done I can do that. No, the best man can turn up and pay his £10 entrance fee then clear off and the quicker the better.

What about the Photographer? Well we had better have one of those, but I know what will happen, "It's a good one of your Wife, but you look more nervous than last time and a lot older". In spite of that, yes we had better have a photographer and to cut down on costs he can borrow my camera.

So there you have it your wedding day revisited and by charging admission we have made a profit. Now we really can afford a honeymoon paid for by our friends. Some people just like their own company, but you can't beat having friends, especially those one's who are prepared to show you the colour of their money, these must be friends indeed.

Les Lawrence