TRUE STORIES

Graham provides a selection of his favourite true stories

An artist friend of mine used to work for the police, drawing the faces of crime suspects based on descriptions given by the public. For the most part, she said, people were pretty good at describing the criminals, but sometimes she had to admit defeat.

On one occasion, a lady told her - "Well, he looks a bit like Uncle Robert, but not as tall, and something about him reminds me of Mr. Jones up the road."

Mr. D Mercer, Lincoln

"Pardon me", said the young man. I looked up from behind my desk in the Library. "How do I get on the computer?" "Just give me your name and wait"< I answered. "OK, it's John and I'm eight stones eleven pounds", he replied.

Ms L Richardson

Dropping off some films at our photo counter, the customer told the sales assistant, "My wife is a midwife, so the film contains photos of a woman giving birth. Do you have a policy against processing films like that?" "No, birth is fine", replied the assistant, "It's the conception that we have a problem with."

"You always walk through the door first when you are with a man", I observed to my friend Connie, an English teacher. "But if you are with a woman, you let her go ahead of you."

"Of course", she said - "I before he, except after she."

J Barker

From Graham Forster