A letter from Sherlock Holmes?

Les provides us with his idea of how a letter from Sherlock Holmes to his Milkman would leek.

Dear Editor,

I think it was Stephen Fry who once said that he would walk a mile in ill fitting boots just to read a letter that Sherlock Holmes might have written to his milkman. We must bear in mind that Sherlock Holmes wouldn't use one word when a dozen would do. I think his letter may well have gone something like this.

Dear Milkman,

It would graciously be appreciated if tomorrow I could avail myself of your good offices if when in my area you could kindly deliver me two pints of your finest milk. There is a possibility that I will not be at home to welcome you as I am hoping to honour an appointment I have with my Solicitors, Foster, Foster, and Thickingham, Head Office, The Grange, Leamington Spa, with branches at Lincoln, Basingstoke, and Boughton Fen.

If it transpires that I am not in residence at my property, built in 1945 by Williams, Williams, and Rotham, Builders established since 1842, the said property is insured by Norwich Union a Company founded in 1749 by a certain Thomas Bigwell, who was at one time engaged to a Dutch Lady, rumour has it that she was a part time Smuggler who is said to have operated mainly off the North Norfolk coast, allegations which even today have yet to be substantiated, then please feel free to call at 72 Acacia Avenue.

There you should find Penelope, a Lady who has a certain affinity with milk people, especially those of the male gender who are fortunate enough to have certain youthful attributes.

You will find her most welcoming as indeed I have over the years which may have contributed to the condition of Gout which I have been afflicted with since I was 27 years of age.

Of course if it's too much trouble, well stuff you I shall get my milk from the Co-op! Yours, Sherlock Holmes.

Sent in by Les Lawrence, who is still taking the tablets.