Straight talking

The GrumpyOld Man looks, for the last time, at what he considers to be odd decisions by our local ruling bodies.

What a crazy month May is turning out to be, sunny one minute, me with my top off and my shorts exposing my lily-white legs. A day or two later I am quietly swearing at myself for switching off the central heating as I always forget how to reset the damn thing after and there was no way I was going to go off looking for the instruction manual that I have never read. After all that I just put on thicker tops and refused to show my legs again until the weather got warm again.

During that brief but welcome spell of warm weather I was tempted to go for a sunset walk around Stoke Ferry but as I was covering my legs for fear of being eaten to death by those annoying little flies, I suddenly realised that I wouldn't know where to go. I would have no idea now whether I was going up the road or down the road.

I was once again faced with this terrifying decision only last week as I approached Wretton Road at its junction with the High Street. My dilemma is, would I be going up Wretton Road or down Wretton Road. My decision about which direction I would be going made me pull up and pause so I could carefully take into account of all the factors that could influence my decision. Firstly I had to make an assessment on what affect it would have on me and others if I was said I was going down Wretton Road when I was actually going up the road. I suddenly realised the enormity of the situation I was now facing. What if a delivery driver stopped me outside the Corner Shop and asked me directions to the James Bradfield School and I told him to proceed along the road until he came to a turning of the left called Wretton Road and that he should turn into Wretton Road and continue on up the road until he reached the school, what if the delivery driver was much better informed about what constituted up and down and could clearly see that by turning into Wretton Road he would be clearly required to drive down the road, that delivery driver may well decide not to proceed down the road any further as he was clearly instructed by a local that to get to the school you must go up the road. The consequences don't bear thinking about, the vital delivery of school books being delayed or maybe never delivered at all.

The fear of the smallest chance of me being the cause of such a tragic incident was too much to bear, the guilt alone would cause me so much shame. I decided my only option was to continue out of the village and access my intended destination through Wretton, This initially appeared to be a satisfactory outcome for me, however I soon realised that my contribution to the global environmental destruction of our planet would cause me to feel even more guilt.

My mind was outraged, all this death and destruction that was going to occur just because I had no idea of which way I was heading, I could not justify the high level of collateral damage from my complete inability to know which was up and which was down. I have now decided to never use Wretton Road, I have instructed my family to never utter its name within earshot of me ever again.

I dread it when the day finally arrives when someone stops me in the street to ask if I know where number 7 Wretton Road is? I wouldn't have a clue what to tell him, apart from the obvious problem of whether to send him up the road or down the road I would need to first ascertain whether he was referring to property formally known as number 7 the house in which case he would have to look for the house on the left or the right depending on whether he was travelling up Wretton Road or down Wretton Road, or whether he was referring to number 7 the bungalow, in which case he would have to look for the bungalow on the left or the right, once again depending on whether he was going up or down the road. And lastly what if he was referring to the new number 7? To be honest I would have a bloody clue where to send him!

I now wish to give you some monumental news. This will be my last article, for at least a few months anyway. I know this news will be a source of delight to some of my fiercest critics who I am sure will be toasting my departure at the Blue Bell upon reading this, that is of course apart from some of the residents who currently live on the new estate opposite the school in Wretton Road as they will be like me and have no idea whether they have to go up or down the road. The editor, being the kind gentleman that he is assures me that many readers will be sad that I have decided to stop. Many people have complained to the editor that I refuse to give my name, and yet in some cases these are the very people that have in the passed complained to me about other people. We all love to gossip about what goes on in the village, we all have an opinion on how the future of our village should be, we all have an opinion on how our children and others peoples children should behave, we all have an opinion on the buildings in the village. We are all entitled to our opinions and I always respect the opinions of others...however much I disagree with them. It's a real shame that some people have been rude about my comments, saying I have committed a slur on their good character. To these people I say it was never personal, I was always criticising the organisation they represented not the individual person.

I do hope that over the past year my articles have inspired at least a few of you to talk to each other more about the local issues that affect you. I hope that a few of you have been inspired to get more deeply involved in the local decision making process. For those of you that want to remain the silent majority but enjoy what say, then I will continue to speak my mind. That is if I haven't completely gone round the bend with my Wretton Road orientation problems.

Grumpy Old man