September 2009 Anglican Newsletter

Keith uses a bit of nonsense to put over his theories

Cause and effect are not always as obvious as you might think. We have a tendency to look at things that happen and look at some neighbouring event or circumstance and create a causal link between them. Quite often there is a third factor which is the cause of each of the events/circumstances we are looking at or there may be no link at all - it is possible for things to happen co-incidentally at the same time or place, with no actual link between them at all.

Consider the conclusions at the end of the following bit of nonsense. Consider further how careful you should be in attributing blame or identifying the causes of the things you don't (or do) like. You could even ask 'How green should I or need I be?'

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach; with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that?' and Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips.' And lo, they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghourt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them,'

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

The Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV and remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

The God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em.' And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed . . . . . and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then . . . . . . . . .Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

SOME FINAL WORDS ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausage and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Licensed Lay Minister

Keith MacLeod