WHAT DOES THE DOCTOR THINK THIS MONTH?

Ian brings us up to date with the progress of Oliver, one of his grandchildren.

August 2010.

Many of you enquire after Oliver, our 3 year old grandson (one of 15 grandchildren) about whom I have written in the past. He is alive and well and living with his parents and twin brothers near Royston. We don't see quite so much of him as the twins need less help now, but we do go over from time to time. On each occasion, Oliver has some jobs for "Big Grandpa" to do, such as mend his Thomas the Tank Engine track, a skill no-one else in his orbit has managed to master! The term "Big Grandpa" made me think a bit! I know I'm a bit on the cuddly side and I couldn't work out whether to be upset or not by my title until I discovered what he calls his other Grandpa - "Short, bald Grandpa".

Oliver has mastered The Lone Ranger joke (punch-line - you've left your Injun running") and we have to hear the joke every time we drive past the local pub "The Black Horsey - I hurt my lip there".

As you may recall, Oliver is a great fan of Chaz and Dave, the cockney duo with the syncopated piano, whom he calls "Chaz and David". At present, I am teaching him one of their songs "It takes a whole lot of loving just to keep my baby happy" and I know his parents will be delighted once he has mastered it and can perform in public. I shall be selling tickets to see the look on their faces!

I have been taking old bicycles across, trying to find one small enough. Having achieved this aim, I told him that I would take home the bike that was too big and bring it back when he had grown taller. "No, Grandpa" came back. "What do you mean, No?" asked I. His reply floored me "I don't want to get any bigger, Grandpa, I like being this size". I once bought him a fleece blanket in Tesco's (£2) and he would not be parted from "that manky blanket" as my son called it, for months. We were in a local garden centre with a Scotch Wool section where they had beautiful travel rugs in tartan (£28 reduced to £14). "What are those, Grandpa?" he asked, stroking a blue one. "They are blankets you wear over your knees while travelling in the car". About ten minutes later, while travelling home, "Grandpa" "Yes" I could wear one of those blankets over my knees when I am travelling in your car". They make your heart melt, don't they?

Let's have some fun: I am grateful to those of you long-standing readers, friends and patients who pass jokes to me with an eye to publication. Unfortunately, since an episode when a reader complained about a joke last year, (26 years, 312 articles, 5,000 to 10,000 readers each month and only one complaint!) I have had to be a bit careful so I shall edit the jokes and print some next month. Here are some of my jokes.

In an Irish convent, Mother Superior, aged 98, lay dying. Anxious to comfort her, a nun brought warm milk but it was refused. Taking the milk back to the kitchen, the nun remembered a bottle of whiskey which had been in the cupboard for years. She added a generous amount to the milk and the Mother Superior drank it with enjoyment. Her eyes brightened and the nuns, anxious for a last few words with their mentor, asked her to give them one last piece of advice. Back came the reply "Whatever you do, never sell that cow!"

Have you ever wondered why, when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat goes dry, he becomes weak at the knees and begins to think improper thoughts. The answer is actually obvious - it's because she smells like a new car!

A woman in a supermarket is walking behind a grandfather and his incredibly badly behaved 3 year old grandson who is demanding, screaming, grasping and totally out of control. "Easy, William" says Grandpa "It won't be long now". Another outburst and Grandpa says "William, William, relax - don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes". Another tantrum and Grandpa says "It's OK, William, just a few more minutes - Hang in there". Impressed, the woman follows the Grandpa to his car and says "It's none of my business but I was amazed by your composure in there. I don't know how you kept so calm and, no matter how loud and disruptive he became, you kept calming William down. He is very lucky to have such a calm Grandfather. "Well", said Grandpa, I thank you for that but I'm William - that little terror's name is Kevin".

Men should listen; A lady called the repair man for her dishwasher and told him she would leave the key under the mat. She told him not to worry about her dog, Spike, who could be ferocious but was OK if left alone; however, she did emphasise that the man should not, under any circumstances, talk to her parrot. The repair man arrived and ignored Spike, the meanest looking dog he had ever seen. Spike just lay there. The parrot yelled, cursed constantly and called the repair man a succession of names. Finally, driven to distraction, the repair man yelled "Oh, do be quiet. You stupid, ugly bird" (or words to that effect) to which the parrot replied "Get him, Spike!"

If you are easily upset, do not fill in the asterisks at the end of this joke. An Arabian family was looking for a nursing home for their Grandfather. Eventually, they settled on an Italian nursing home as all the local Arabian homes were full. The family left him to settle in for a couple of weeks, then visited Grandpa and asked how he was getting on. "It's wonderful here, everyone is so respectful. There's a musician here, 85 years old; he hasn't played the violin for 25 years but everyone still calls him "Maestro". There's a 95 year old judge who hasn't been on the bench for 30 year - they still call him "Your Honour". There's a dentist who retired 25 years ago and they still call him "Doctor". And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me "The f*****g Arab".

Best wishes to you all

Ian G. Nisbet