WHAT DOES THE DOCTOR THINK THIS MONTH?

Ian has a shocking shopping experience which has dome no good for his health

February 2011.

I really try to avoid shopping, much preferring the online version of events. However, Management sometimes gets a bit insistent and, once a year or so, I have to make the effort. We had a week in Birmingham, looking after a granddaughter, and there was spare time during the day while she was at school. I found myself walking into Marks and Spencer to be immediately confronted by a huge board. On the board hung many pairs of ladies' opaque tights and the board carried large letters informing me that the wearers of these tights would benefit from their "body sensor technology". Well, you can imagine, my brain went into overdrive. What on earth is "body sensor technology" and how could it benefit the lady fortunate enough to buy these tights? It didn't take too long for me to work it out. The tights must contain some sort of electric gizmo which warns the wearer when she is about to wet herself and sends her a message to this effect. I found an assistant (no small task) and sought confirmation of this. She really became quite upset at my perfectly reasonable suggestion and gave me some spiel about these thick tights keeping you warm in Winter and Cool in Summer. I really am not convinced about this and would value your input. If you Google "Body Sensor Technology", you will be amazed at what comes up, most of which no lady would wish to attach to her hosiery. On Google, you will also find M&S perpetuating their story and offering to sell you 3 pairs of such tights for £8.00.

I always think that the end of January and the early part of February represent a psychological low point in the year. The Winter seems to be dragging on for ever, Spring is not yet anywhere near springing and the garden looks appalling, the only good thing being that the Spanish Bluebells are still out of sight. However, the garden has been trimmed, all is neat and tidy and the onset of Spring will bring joy all round. The pots are ready in the greenhouse and will soon be filled with a couple of thousand plug plants which will provide a profusion of colour until the first frost at the end of the year. So, before long, all will be well. We won't think about moles or moss in the lawn yet, we will try to remember that the Spanish Bluebells don't last for ever (over the ground anyway) and perhaps this would be a good time to enjoy some humour.

A nun got into a taxi and, after some long stares and an awkward silence, the taxi driver told her that he had always wanted to kiss a nun. Surprisingly, she said, "OK but only if you are single and a Catholic". He confirmed both of these, they pulled into an alley and enjoyed a long and satisfying kiss. As they set off again, the driver started to cry and confessed that he was Jewish and married. "That's OK" said the nun "My name's Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party".

A drunk, stark naked Australian lady jumped into a taxi in Delhi. The driver just stared at her and made no attempt to start the cab. "What's wrong with you mate, staring at me like that. Haven't you ever seen a naked lady before?" "I am not staring at you Madame, I am just wondering where you are keeping the money to pay me for the ride".

A professor was giving a lecture in paranormal studies and, to gain the attention of the students, he asked how many believed in ghosts (70%), how many had seen a ghost (10%) and, to be really controversial, how many had made love to a ghost. To his immense surprise a sunburned lad at the back of the room put his hand up. The professor said "Son, I have been giving this lecture for 20 years and this is the first time anyone has ever claimed to make love to a ghost. Please come to the front and tell us all about the experience" "Oh Dear" said the student "From the back I thought you said 'goat'".

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

Our ice cream man was found dead on the floor covered in hundreds and thousands - Police think he topped himself. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

An elderly gent went into a jewellery store with a young blonde on his arm. "I want a special ring for my girlfriend" Eventually, they settled on a £40,000 ring, the old man wrote a cheque and said "Obviously, you will want to clear the cheque before we collect the ring. Telephone my bank on Monday and we can collect the ring on Tuesday". On Monday morning, the jeweller telephoned the old man, furious, and told him that there were no funds in the bank account. "I know" said the old gent "but let me tell you about my weekend!".

Paddy asked Mick if, next time he was making love to his wife, he could close the curtains. "Why?" "Well, yesterday afternoon, as I was walking past your house, the whole street was standing outside your house, gawping through the window at you two" "Well, Paddy" says Mick "The joke's on all of them because I was away from home all day yesterday in Liverpool"

Best wishes to you all

Ian Nisbet