WHAT DOES THE DOCTOR THINK THIS MONTH?

Dr Ian looks at reports that Russia wants to land men on Mars and a few other choice items

Debris in space. In December 2009, we discussed the absolute impudence and arrogance of our human race with respect to our treatment of other planets and space as a whole. The discussion was prompted by the firing by NASA of two rockets into a moon crater, thought to be the only place on the moon to contain water. In the one mile high pile of debris kicked up by the explosion at a cost of £49 million, there was the equivalent of 12 two-gallon bucketsful of water (£4 million per bucket), so NASA were ecstatic. We discussed how NASA had given no consideration to the little moon man who was washing his smalls in the moon water when the rockets hit! Happily, he is out of hospital now and has visited M&S on the moon (have you ever been to any place where there is no M&S?) to buy new underwear.

The news today is full of Russian plans to land people on Mars. Why are we, who have trashed our own planet, even contemplating invading others? We have infested space with our litter -currently, there are 10 million man-made pieces of debris in space and all are circling the earth. They include spent rocket stages, defunct satellites and collision fragments. There is always the risk that items of this space junk will collide with each other, sending thousands of pieces of debris spinning into orbit, each capable of destroying further satellites and destroying the communications network on the earth..

The Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency have got together with Nitto Seimo Co., a fishing net company, to make a thin metal net, spanning several kilometres, which would be deployed by satellite and sweep up waste in its path as it circles the earth. After several weeks, the net will become charged with electricity and will be drawn back towards the earth, with both the net and its contents burning up on entry. A British space scientist commented "I'm glad someone is doing something about it but they must be careful because we wouldn't want a real satellite getting caught".

Care Home Charges Those of us who are knocking on a bit will be agitating about such matters. It costs between £350 and £800 per week for a Care-Home. It costs £865 per week to keep someone in prison. Our son Grant married Juliann, who comes from very near the origins of Lenny Henry, Jasper Carrot and Julie Walters. Juliann's mother, Sue, has, with typical Black Country humour (we won't go into the origins of Black Country humour but, if you live in an industrial part of the world a million miles from the sea where the weather, to quote Juliann's Dad, Mick, is always "cr*p, you need a good sense of humour), sent me the following suggestion: The Government will make you fund your Care Home yourself and there will certainly be no funded places in a few years time. So, at the age of 65, under the Birmingham "Provide for your old age plan", everyone is given a gun and four bullets. When the time is right, they take out the gun and shoot two MPs and a couple of illegal immigrants. This results in a prolonged stay in prison, with all accommodation, heating, food and recreation included. The children can visit about as often as they do at present. Full health provision is available free of charge and you will not have to pay taxes while in prison. Who would pay for all this? The same Government who would not fund your care home in the first place! Anyone who can see a flaw in this plan is welcome to write to me (Postcards please)

Let's have some fun: John, A lorry driver, delivering 5 monkeys to Chester Zoo, has a breakdown on the M6. He pulls over an Irish lorry and says to the driver "Here's £100 - will you take these monkeys to Chester Zoo for me?" Six hours later, John is still fixing his lorry when the Irish lorry pulls in, 5 monkeys grinning out of the cab window. "What are you playing at?" fumed John - "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo". "Oh, I did" replied the Irishman "we all enjoyed it so much and there is still 50 quid left so we are going to visit Alton Towers".

A lady who lives in Birmingham (mustn't upset the Irish) trails her 15 kids into the benefits office. "Sit down Sheamus" she says, and the kids all sit down, Conversation with the social worker reveals that all the kids are called Sheamus; this was a brilliant idea on the part of the mother as, if she wants any of the kids to do anything, she yells "Sheamus" and all the kids respond. The social worker thinks for a bit and says "Yes, but what if you only want one of the kids to act, not the whole bunch?". "Oh" said the mother "I call them by their surnames".

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk.

Three members of a Dublin family froze to death outside a cinema having waited three weeks to see a film "Closed for the Winter"

Two Latvians were sitting in a small Irish village pub. Paddy said "You know, Mick, I have "known" every woman in this town except my mother and my sister" "Ah well", said Mick "Between you and me, we got them all".

Brenda Murphy from Burma was admitted to hospital after having phone sex. They removed two Nokias, 3 Motorolas and 1 Samsung but couldn't find a Siemen.

Paddy's friend drowned in a vat of Guinness. "Was it quick?" "No, he got out 3 times to pee".

Best wishes to you all

Ian G. Nisbet