WHAT DOES THE DOCTOR THINK THIS MONTH?

Ian continus his all out war on the Spanish Bluebell and tells us of his forthcoming garden party

The 3ft Bluebell: Well, at long last and with absolutely no effort, we have achieved a three foot high bluebell! Every now and again, head office and I have a muted conversation about bluebells. It is muted because we hold diametrically opposite views about Spanish bluebells which grow tall, spread like fury at the expense of the English variety and have a massive clump of greenery at the base (we both like the small English variety - 6 inches tall, drooping heads and virtually no greenery to mess up the planting schedule). During these muted conversations, I have often told Management that the Spanish bluebells grow to about 3ft, only to be met with a quiet smile of disbelief or, possibly, scorn. Yesterday, while carrying out an unauthorised clearance of bluebells, I found several which had grown to 3ft. Taking one indoors, I collected my measuring tape and asked Deannie very quietly to measure the bluebell while I held it for her. I did not indulge in any triumphalism or "I told you so" but I have to say that the moment was quietly satisfying and I even managed to elicit permission to sort out a few more of the Spanish variety. When I say "sort out", the phrase is used loosely as, no matter how deep I dig, it always proves impossible to get out all of the bluebell bulbs and the remaining ones set about recolonising the area.

Many of you are kind enough to enquire, from time to time, how my bluebell situation is progressing. As planned, the English one are thriving and the Spanish ones are becoming fewer, due to some serious digging and the judicious use of a (unauthorised) weed suppressant membrane, through which they have not, as yet, managed to penetrate. Of course, I know they are down there and might be building energy to mount a supercharged thrust next year. I am not sure which is irritating me most at the moment, bluebells or the Lib Dems who, after a thrashing in the polls, seem convinced that we all want to hear much more from them.

Tea in our garden - come and mourn the Spanish bluebells: On Sunday, June 12th, we are holding an afternoon tea in the garden of our house - The Old House, 9 Lodge Road, Feltwell - at 3pm and the entrance fee will be £5. There is always lots of cake, strawberries if available and bucketsful of tea. If you would like to come, just ring Wendy Waters (01366 727220) or Deannie (01842 828956) for tickets. Proceeds will pass to Methwold St George.

ASYLUM UK: I was sent details of this game, sponsored by the UK Taxpayers, which is only available to people from other countries. The organisers' publicity (toned down a bit!) goes something like this:-

"Today's programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition - Hijack an airliner and win a council house. We have already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes courtesy of our sponsor, the British taxpayer. We are now officially the fastest growing game on the planet. Anyone can play, provided they don't already have a valid British passport and know just one word of English - "Asylum".

Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 per week and a chance to earn thousands of pounds more, begging, mugging, burgling and accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone buying tickets or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.

Applications are rarely refused. All you have to do is destroy any paperwork you possess and remember the magic password "Asylum".

Testimonials from previous players: A few years ago, 140 Afghanistan residents took a cheap flight to Stansted airport where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury rooms in the Hilton Hotel. Tens of thousands of other lucky winners are staying in hotels all over Britain.

If you don't understand the rules, just apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help you. It won't cost you a penny and it could change your life for ever. So, whoever you are, Iraqi terrorist, Afghan dissident, Albanian gangster, Kosovan drug-smuggler, bogus Bosnian, Rwandan mass-murderer, Romanian Gipsy (one effect of our game has been to reduce the crime rate in Romania) or someone just looking for a better life at someone else's expense, Come on Down and join the game. Get along to the airport, the lorry park or the ferry terminal. Don't stop in Germany or France. All European countries will willingly speed you on your way to the UK. If you leave your children behind, don't worry, child maintenance can be paid by us to your home bank account in your own country. Because of exchange rates, the amount will be a great deal more than your own country would pay".

Obviously, the above is a spoof and possibly unfair to the government but I think it will strike a few chords! I wonder what Paddy and Mick would make of the game! They have a new friend, Rick O'Shay, who spends his time bouncing off the walls. Rick had to leave Ireland when he robbed a large store; the police sealed all the exits so he escaped through the entrance. Rick had a goldfish and was convinced it was epileptic. "It looks alright to me" said Paddy "Yeah" said Rick "You haven't seen it when I take it out of the bowl". He asked a barman the quickest way to Cork. "Are you walking or driving?" asked the barman. "Driving" "Yes, that's the quickest way" replied the barman. Rick had 12 bags of sand and a bag of cement in his garage. The police arrested him on suspicion of mounting a mortar attack. Oh Dear, they get worse!

Best wishes to you all

Ian G. Nisbet