WHAT DOES THE DOCTOR THINK THIS MONTH?

this article will go to print during the frenetic time leading up to Christmas, by which time the economy may have imploded and general misery might prevail, and as I have just been given a Tommy Cooper joke book for my birthday, I thought that a light-hearted article containing only jokes might be appropriate. The fact that I cannot think of anything to write about this month and Revd Ken Waters had just Emailed several pages of jokes to me is irrelevant! So, with apologies to that reader who only reads my articles for the “gravitas” content, here we go! Let’s start with Tommy Cooper:

I got this dog for my wife – I wish I could make a swap like that every day. He is a one-man dog – He only bites me! He took a chunk out of my leg yesterday; a friend said “Have you put anything on it?” I said “No, he likes me as I am”. He’s getting on a bit, my dog – I said “attack” and he had one. I got him as a watchdog but all he watches is TV!

I was walking home the other night. A man popped up and said “Have you seen a policeman around here?” “No” I said “Stick ‘em up” he said.

They were striking for shorter hours. I joined them as I am all in favour of that – I have always thought sixty minutes was too long

An agent said to a producer “I’ve got a girl who wears a 102 size brassiere. “What’s her act?” “She tries to stand up!”

“Would you like some pornographic photos?” “No, I haven’t got a pornograph”.

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Having been accused of racism, I have not included any Paddy and Mick jokes recently. However, such has been the outcry from my regular reader that I have been forced to reconsider my position. I have been sent some Paddy and Mick jokes by an Irish friend of mine so I have “genericised” them. The characters are now called P and M which could, of course, stand for name at all (beginning with P or M), so make of them what you may!

P shouts frantically into the ‘phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are every 2 minutes apart”. “Is this her first child?” asks the doctor. “No!” shouts P – “It’s her husband”.

P was driving home, well intoxicated, swerving from side to side. The police pulled him over and he told the officer that there were trees all over the road and he had been trying to miss them. The officer could see no trees and he eventually solved the problem – P’s tree-shaped air freshener had been swinging about!

M’s dog went missing and his wife suggested putting an advert in the local paper – no response. She asked M what he had put in the paper. “Here, boy” he replied.

P spent a time in jail and became very depressed. His guard found him hanging upside down on a rope around his ankles. “What on earth are you doing?” “Hanging myself”. “The rope should be around your neck!” “It was, but I couldn’t breathe”.

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Personally, I have nothing to do with Facebook, Twitter and so on. However, one of my friends, who was awaiting delivery of a new Porsche, twittered (or should that be the acronym for The War Against Terrorism – think about it) that he couldn’t wait for the new 911 to arrive. Suddenly, he had 4000 of our radical friends as Facebook Friends. Talking of our radical friends, some of them have taken to weaving prayer mats out of plastic explosives. The mats are uncomfortable but prophets are going through the roof..

A modest friend of mine checked into an hotel and asked the receptionist whether the porn channel was disabled. “No, it’s regular porn, you sicko” she replied. Another friend of mine told me he was having a sexual relationship with his girlfriend and her twin. “That must be difficult” I said “How do you tell them apart?” “Oh, that’s easy” he replied “Her brother’s got a moustache”.

You may say a lot of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

Apple have had to scrap their plans for a new children’s iPod after realising that “iTouch Kids” was not a good product name.

An elderly man lay dying in bed. Suddenly, he smelled the beautiful aroma of scones cooking downstairs. Summoning up the last of his energy and taking a couple of painkillers, he staggered downstairs and saw the table loaded with scones of several varieties. His wife had obviously cooked his favourites as a last act of love for her dying husband. He collapsed into a chair and picked up a scone – a wooden spoon smacked his hand – “You leave those alone” said his wife “They are for the funeral”.

Deannie joins me in sending you all best wishes for Christmas & The New Year. Ian G Nesbitt