March, Anglican Newsletter

Cow-based Economics Lesson (with acknowledgements to Grove Books)

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

EU BUREAUCRATICISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

CAPITALISM – TRADITIONAL

You have 2 cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the proceeds.

CAPITALISM – VENTURE (cf the Banks)

You have 2 cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank; then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Islands Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

The public buys your bull.

SURREALISM

You have 2 giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.

You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

You hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows, but you don’t know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows.

None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim to have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the c—p out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

Isn’t it fun to lean on stereotypes? Any offers for:

A CHRISTIAN CORPORATION – You have 2 cows - ? ? ? ? ?

A suggestion based on stereotypes would be fun (not blasphemous!), but is there a serious one that would make sense, be true and carry conviction?

Keith MacLeod