What Does The Doctor Think - April

April 2014

In last month's article, I mentioned that the cock pheasant and his entourage, which contained two enormous wood pigeons and between three and seven hen pheasants, depending upon the year, had not spent the winter with us this year, so the garden was undamaged by all their feet. Two days after submitting the article, I was watching the lesser spotted woodpecker which uses our feeders at 0730 daily, when I became aware of a tram, tramp, chomp, tramp, chomp going on under the apple trees. There he was – the cock pheasant, looking fatter and more arrogant than ever, with only two hens (all he can manage these days after the seven he took on one year really creased him), two fat wood pigeons and the most enormous wild rabbit I have ever seen, chomping away at all my shoots except, of course, the dreaded Spanish Bluebells which, in our garden, have reach a height of 3ft 4inches (as verified by Management with a tape measure when I shoved a specimen under her nose). He has been waking me at 4.30am ever since!

Last month, I promised you a lot of jokes this time. I have been writing these monthly articles for over 30 years now, always with the locals, who are my old friends,  my patients for a generation and a half, in mind. A bit like a monthly letter to you all. Many of you tell me that you love the jokes and “the earthier they are, the better”. However, there is increasing population mobility, Essex girls move to Norfolk, more and more ladies are going blonde (why do they dye their roots black?), people are moving to Norfolk from Ireland and, worst of all, some are moving from places like Tunbridge Wells, easily offended by the least double entendre and prone to complain. So, I have to be careful, which, for the majority of readers,  is a shame! Fortunately, Colin (Taff) Williams  from The Hythe ( I read in the paper last week that calling a Welshman Taff is insulting but he doesn't seem to mind and signs his Emails “Taff”) and several of my other friends across the country send me a wide range of jokes, so here are a few of the less risky ones.

The following relate to fair haired females with dark roots and limited intelligence, wherever they might live!

ñ      Two of the girls were nailing planks on the side of a house. One would pull out a nail and either use it or throw it over her shoulder. She explained to her friend that half the nails she pulled out of her pouch had the head on the wrong end, so she threw them away. “You moron” explained her friend “those nails are for the other side of the house!”

ñ      Two such girls froze to death in a drive-in movie. They had gone to see “Closed for the Winter”

ñ      One turned up in A&E with her fingertip shot off. She told the doctor she had been trying to commit suicide but she didn't want to shoot herself in the chest as the implants had been expensive. She then put the gun in her mouth but remembered her expensive dental work. She then put the gun in her ear but thought the bang might be a bit loud so she put her finger in the opposite ear before pulling the trigger.

ñ      Another was extremely upset at work – she had received a 'phone call telling her that her mother had been in an accident. She opted to stay at work to keep her mind busy. The boss looked in a couple of hours later and the girl was in floods of tears. “I have just received a horrible 'phone call from my sister. Her mother has also been in an accident.”

Deannie and I are both getting a bit deaf and have some bizarre conversations like those below:

A man was talking to his neighbour. “I bought a new hearing aid. It cost me £3,000 but it is state of the art, absolutely perfect”. “Really” replied the neighbour, what kind is it?” “Half past two” came the reply.

Three old friends were out walking. “Windy, isn't it?” said one. “No, it's Thursday” said the next. The last one responded “Yes, so am I, let's go for a cup of tea”.

A frail old man shuffled into an ice cream parlour and spent ages trying to climb up onto the stool before ordering an ice cream sundae. “Crushed nuts?” enquired the waitress. “No” he replied “arthritis”.

In America, a doctor saw his 82 year old male patient with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. Later, the doctor asked him about the lady. “Well” said the patient “You told me to get a hot mamma and be cheerful, so I did and I am”. “I didn't say that” replied the doctor “I told you that you have a heart murmur and should be careful”

ñ      (This is an abbreviated version) A couple went to a therapist. The wife was complaining of being unloved, neglected and lonely. Eventually, the therapist went over, ripped off her clothes and ravaged the lady. “This is what your wife needs three times a week” he told the husband. “Can you do it?” “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but ,on Fridays, I play golf

A  teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition,and she decides to ask her six year old students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.Susan puts up her hand and says "I had an egg, 'E-G-G'."Peter says "I had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'."'Excellent.' says teacher. Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. "I had b*gg*r all', he says, ' B-U-*-*-E-R-A-L-L'." The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later, she turns to Geography. Susan and Peter answer correctly. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?' Johnny ponders the question and finally says,"The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got bu** Sorry miss, NO breakfast"

Best wishes,   Ian Nisbet