What Does The Doctor Think for October

WHAT DOES THE DOCTOR THINK THIS MONTH?

There is little to report from Nisbet Head Office this month so, in response to popular demand, here are some of  the jokes friends have sent me.

Little Johnny was coming out of school when he saw his Daddy's car drive into the woods. He followed and saw his Daddy kissing and cuddling Aunt Jane very passionately. He watched for quite a while and then, really excited, he ran home to tell his mother all about it. His mother cut him short half way through the tale and suggested that, as it was such an interesting story, Johnny should tell her the rest when Daddy was home. When they were all at the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked Johnny to tell his story and he recounted the passion and all that went on, ending “ and then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing what Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs”. Mummy fainted.   Moral: Listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

Words have different meanings in different parts of the world, the usual example being eraser and rubber, totally different meanings on each side of the Atlantic. There follows an Australian joke which, to our ears, is mildly amusing and not offensive but, to an Australian, it is hilarious. If you wish to know more, and are not too sensitive, just Google “rooting” and all will be revealed!

A man takes a lady out to dinner and a show. As he left her he said “You look so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call tomorrow?”. The next evening, when she opens the door, she smacks him hard across the face. Stunned, he asked her why. She said “I looked up beautiful climbing rose on Google and it said was best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence; no good in an open bed”.

Our blonde neighbour came running round shouting “I'm pregnant”. Delighted, we wished her well. “There's more” she said “It's twins”. Amazed that she should know this so quickly, we asked her how she knew it was twins. “The home pregnancy test box contains two kits and they both came back positive!”

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside - “Guido, I want you to listen to me. I want you to take my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me”

“But Grandpa, I don't really like guns. Could I have your Rolex watch instead?” “You listen to me, my boy. Someday you're going to run the family business; you're going to have lots of money and a beautiful wife, a big home and a couple of children. Sone day, you might come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What are you going to do – Point the watch at him and say Times Up?”

An attractive blonde lady, looking intoxicated, arrives in a casino and bets £20,000 on the throw of a single dice. She says to the two croupiers “I hope you don't mind but I feel much luckier when I am naked”. She strips off, the dice is thrown and she jumps up and down shouting “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!”. She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her enormous winnings and her clothes and departed quickly. The dealers stared at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, one of them said “What did she roll?”. “I don't know” replied the other, “I thought you were watching!

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A man gets into a taxi and, after 5 minutes, he needs to ask the driver a question so he leans forward and taps him on the shoulder. The taxi veered wildly, struck a kerb, rolled over and ended up in the front garden of a house. The passenger and driver climbed out of the wreck and the passenger apologised for tapping the driver on the shoulder. “No” replied the driver” It was my fault. This is my first day as a taxi driver. For the last 30 years, I have driven a hearse every day”.

Cover the bottom line of the article before attempting these questions. Some of you will get them right immediately – others, like me, may struggle a bit!

Johnny's mother had three children. The first was called April, the second was called May. What was the third one called?

How much dirt is there in a hole measuring 2ft by 3ft by 4ft deep?

If you are running a race and you pass the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

A farmer has 4 haystacks in one field and 5 in another. How many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

The butcher is 5ft 10in tall and wears size 10 shoes. What does he weigh?

Answers:   Johnny, None, 2nd place, One, Meat               Best wishes to you all    Ian Nisbet