What Does The Doctor Think This Month-January 2015 SOME ASYLUM HAS LOST A COCKEREL

You may recall mention in last month's article of a marauding cockerel, noisy as you like, which appears to have adopted our garden and most of the neighbouring part of the village as his territory. During the Summer, he started crowing at dawn; as dawn gradually moved from 4am to 6.30am, life became easier for us as we are normally awake well before then. However, about three weeks ago, something reset his internal clock, someone lent him a microphone, an amplifier and a set of speakers which he set up outside our bedroom window, which is always open at night. Now, regularly at 4am, he kicks off with a one minute fusillade, crowing once every seven seconds at full volume and then disappears for an hour or two. We jump out of our skin and Management goes back to sleep. Unfortunately, my relationship with sleep is quite fragile and I am wide awake, with “brain spin”. All the things I have to do crowd into my mind and, after half an hour, I have to get up and get on with it all. Result: I get quite tired!

We have watched the little fellow, whom I have called George, rolling about on his short little legs, pecking at worms in the lawn. When he crows, he does it through a half closed beak. For a time, when he was pecking the lawn and the crowing seemed to come from far away, we thought he might be a hen and Deannie renamed him Esmeralda. Diane at the Feltwell Spar thinks he might be a ventriloquist, throwing his voice so he appears to be miles away. As he became braver, he started to come to the house. Seeing him one very cold morning with ice all over his feathers, I gave him some corn and I was able to confirm that, between mouthfuls, he was indeed crowing (through a tight beak) so he is now definitely George! I now feed him daily (Idiot! I hear you shout) and I commented to my son-in-law that I could have him tame by Christmas. “You only want to do that so you can catch him and wring his neck” came the reply. Actually, I had been thinking that it would be fun for all the grandchildren coming to see us at Christmas to see the cockerel up close and to feed him. However ….

There is still no sign of the pheasant and his harem.

I realise that not all of you will be entranced by George's activities and that, by the time this is published, Christmas will be over and we shall have entered the dark months before Spring, so a few jokes might be in order.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies:  “I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.” She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”           ''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds,  “Well, let's see what we can do about that. Are you single and Catholic?”  “Yes, I am single and Catholic” replies the cab driver, with increasing excitement. “OK” says the nun  “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a prolonged and passionate kiss.

When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm not Catholic”    “That's OK” says the nun. “My name is Cliff and I'm going to a fancy dress party.”

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.' The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.' The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. 'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'  The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, 'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry' So they were married right away. Months later the baby was born.When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.  He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents 'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...Pregnant when you met her.'

It’s race day with a meeting in progress. The bookies are busy taking bets when a bloke comes up to one and says, “M-m-m-mate, I b-b-b-backed a f-f-f-five t-t-t- …” at which point the bookie cuts him off. “Look, mate, I’m flat out at the moment. Come back when I’m not so busy, will you?” Five minutes later, the bloke returns. “Hey, I t-t-tried t-t-tell ya I b-b-backed a f-f-five t-t-t…” and again the bookie interrupts him. “Look, I haven’t got time for this. Here’s a fiver. Now clear off, will you?” The bloke takes the fiver, somewhat surprised, and walks off. He goes out and joins his friend in their cattle truck. “How did it go?” asks the friend. “C-c-can’t g-g-get over it,” he replies. “I went to t-t-tell the b-b-bookie I b-b-backed a f-f-five t-t-ton t-t-truck into his J-j-jaguar and he g-g-gimme a f-f-fiver…!”

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. 
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and 
neither of them wanted to concede their position.  
As they passed a farmyard of mules, goats, and pigs, 
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 
'Yes,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'*********** I shall never understand women. How can they take boiling hot wax, pour it on to the upper thigh, rip the hairs out by the follicles and still be afraid of a spider? **********A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 
30,000 to a man's 15,000.  
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... 
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'*********A man said to his wife one day, “I don't know how you can be 
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time”. The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.  God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; 
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”**********A man and his wife were having a row and were not speaking to each other. Suddenly, the man realised that he needed his wife to wake him at 4am so he could catch a business flight. He put a note on her pillow “Wake me at 4am”. He woke at 9am and was absolutely furious. Then, he noticed a piece of paper on the pillow; she had written “It's 4am Wake up”.**********Our friend, Barry, after paying his VISA bill over the telephone, was mightily amused to recall that he had thanked the automatic machine three times during the process. I wonder how many of us have done the same and not even noticed.

Deannie joins me in wishing all of you a very Happy and Healthy New Year.                                                                                  Ian Nisbet