What does the Doctor Think - December

Could cramp in my leg have caused a multiple pile-up on the M6 motorway?

On the whole, I keep excellent health but I do get rather a lot of cramp in my legs. In particular, the long muscle up the inside of my right thigh goes into horrible spasms which last about 20 minutes and have me pouring with perspiration due to the pain. The only way to deal with the situation is to act at the first sign of the problem, before it gets a grip. This involves leaping out of bed, spreading my legs wide (to put the muscle on stretch) and massaging the inside of the right thigh with vigour. This is fine in the bedroom during the middle of the night but there are other times when it is less fine. Once, we were travelling to Liverpool and it happened on the M62. I leapt out of the car and was doing my thing on the hard shoulder, behind the car, when Management suggested, amongst peals of untold mirth, that I should move around to the nearside, out of site of the passing hordes, while I sorted myself out – 20 minutes usually does it. Several months later, we were driving through Tyseley in Birmingham when it happened again. I drove up on to the pavement, leapt out of the car and hastened around to the nearside, as previously advised. I was doing my massage and contortions when a lovely Indian man came out of his house to enquire what was wrong. His daughter then came out to suggest that I should move the car into their driveway for safety and, then, the gentleman's wife came out to offer me a cup of tea.They were offering advice but I expained gratefully that I was a doctor and knew what to do. Eventually, the condition subsided and the three of them got in their car to go shopping. As they left, the husband wound down his window and said “You're a doctor, aren't you? You should talk to my wife”. “Why” I asked “is she a doctor as well?” “No”, he said “She's mad!” Indian humour is good. Last Sunday evening, we were returning from another trip to Liverpool, nose to tail three lanes abreast at 70mph on the M6. The hard shoulder was coned off for miles. You've guessed it – the cramp stuck again and we were in the outside lane. Rapid action was required and I moved through to the inside lane, then shot through a gap in the cones into the hard shoulder. Out of the car, round to the nearside and sorted myself out. It was dark and raining so the affair was quite private! Back in the car – then what? Three lanes of nose to tail traffic screaming along at 70mph, with no gaps to allow me access. Then, the question – if traffic is moving at 70mph and, because of the cones, I cannot build up any speed before joining the carriageway, how long a gap would be necessary for me to join the carriageway without causing a multiple pile up? It was dark, pouring with rain and I really could not work it out in a way to guarantee safety. The voice on my left said “The police will be here soon”. “Good idea” said I. However, eventually, I decided to travel along the motorway on the hard shoulder, on the inside of the cones and, Euruka, we ended up on a motorway exit road and we were able to rejoin the motorway safely without causing carnage. Out of my vehicle, the traffic was terrifying and there is no doubt that the motorway police are brave men to deal with it on a daily basis.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste. Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20" You can't beat Chinese Doctors

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the flight attendant announced "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our airport catering service. I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, only 40 dinners. I apologize. Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight’’. Her next announcement came 90 minutes later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

“Mummy” asks a little girl, “How old are you?'' “You are not supposed to ask a lady her age” the mother replied. “It's not polite”. Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?” “That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!” The little girl talks to her friend. “My Mum won't tell me her age,” “Well” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driving licence. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.”Later that night the little girl said to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.” The mother is surprised. “And,” the little girl added “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.” “Oh, really?” the mother asked. “Why?” “Because you got an F in sex”.

Deannie and I wish you all a really happy Christmas and a healthy New Year. Ian Nisbet