What does the Doctor think - February

Last time, we discussed the difficulties experienced when trying to read the labels on shampoo bottles and only ever finding bottles of conditioner in the houses we visit, never shampoo!. We took a trip to our new home in Hagley, car and trailer groaning, and, having unloaded the stuff, I decided to take a shower. Having had mild scalp problems since using some fake Head and Shoulders shampoo a few weeks ago, I had decided to treat us to some decent shampoo and, having spent some time choosing, had bought two expensive bottles to leave at the new house to use when we visit while the Feltwell house is on the market. I took the bottles out of my case and was able to read the labels very clearly. A result! However, they both said they were Conditioner! I blame the anaesthetics over the past few months - still looking for shampoo. The Feltwell house is now on the market. We had to have photos taken for the brochure and the online advertising. The previous couple of days involved frenetic tidying up, putting stuff into boxes and making the rooms look as sterile as possible. Our friend, Barry, had been painting furiously. Deannie and I are both serious hoarders and love well covered surfaces so this was no mean feat. We were ably assisted and bullied by son Scott and daughter Isabelle, who is an interior designer, and “dressed” the house for the pictures. The photographer arrived with his fish-eye camera, spent hours measuring the premises for the floor plan and took some brilliant photos. He was really charming and professional and his results can be seen on Rightmove or the Lacy Scott and Knight (Bury St Edmunds) website. So, anyone out there who needs a large property with nine bedrooms including a granny annexe, an upstairs flat for the nanny, outbuildings in which to run a business and a log cabin to use for another business should get in touch with Lacy Scott and Knight. Any visitors will find Head Office and me frantically looking for everything, like scissors, or my favourite mug, which Scott and Isabelle have put away somewhere. A girl asked her long-term boyfriend to come over on Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this was to be such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy was ecstatic, but he has never been with a woman before, so he visited a pharmacy to ask advice and buy some protection. He explained the situation to the pharmacist who was wonderfully understanding and spent an hour chatting to the boy, told him all about safe sex and asked the boy whether he would like a 3 pack, a 6 pack, a 10 pack or a family pack. The boy thought about it and decided on a family pack as it was to be his first time and he had no idea how many would be required. The girl met him at the door and told him how excited she was that he was to meet her parents. They went in for dinner and the boy offered to say grace before the meal. He sat with his head bowed for 20 minutes, praying, at which point his girlfriend whispered “I had no idea you were so religious”. The boy turned and whispered back “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!” The toothbrush says “Sometimes, I think I have the worst job in the world” “Oh yeah?” asks the toilet roll. Anyone who thinks women are the weaker sex should try pulling for more of the duvet. Are you cold? Come and sit in the corner with me. It's 90 degrees here. Sheila was lying in bed one night. Dave was falling asleep but Sheila was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "Dave, you used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Dave, then you used to kiss me...” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Dave, then you used to bite my Neck..." Angrily, Dave threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" Sheila asked.. "To get my ****** teeth!" English is a wonderful language: I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then, it dawned on me. Velcro – what a rip-off. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. Broken pencils are pointless. The girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club but I'd never met herbivore. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble! I dropped out of Communism classes – I had lousy Marx. Best wishes to you all Ian Nisbet