WHAT DOES THE DOCTOR THINK THIS MONTH? Oct 17

Just a brief update: Following my double encounter with the grim reaper, I escaped from hospital after 5 weeks and I am currently at home, using a Zimmer frame to hop on one leg, feeding liquid antibiotic through a tube into my heart every four and a half hours and confined to downstairs. For those of you who remember when the surgery was at our home, Head Office and I are sleeping in the nurse's room just off the waiting room and our friend Barry has built a ramp from the consulting room into the waiting room. Before discharge, with advice from the Occupational Therapist, I bought a wheelchair I could propel myself, slightly wider than normal. It propels well but there are two problems. Firstly, the chair is only about 5mm less wide than the door frames, causing navigation problems and, secondly, it takes an Amazon to lift it into the back of the car! Management is a determined lady but, thank Goodness, she is certainly no Amazon so the wheelchair has to stay at home. Our good friends, Dr Giselle Sagar and her husband (Dr Will Shapland) have solved the first problem by lending me an electric buggy (you know, the type of machine used by the elderly of Downham Market to terrorise those who dare to walk on the pavements). It is narrow and I can now buzz around the entire ground floor of the house, wearing my Zimmer frame like a rucksack, ready for instant use. My life is transformed but Deannie still has to follow me around picking up stuff I have dropped and cannot reach. Gravity is a menace in this context. My progress is well on track and I should have my new hip inserted in mid October and back driving by the end of November. It will be good to be able to bear weight on my right leg again. I am writing this on Sepsis Day, designed to raise awareness of the symptoms of Sepsis, especially in the Ambulance service and A&E. Deannie quietly told me that, in my delirious state, I was wheeled into A&E shouting “This is sepsis, chaps, get the antibiotics out!” Shortly after that “I can feel myself slipping away, where are those antibiotics?” I have to say that the speed and efficiency of the ambulance service and the West Suffolk Hospital A&E (both of which have been pioneering a Sepsis recognition programme), were second to none and certainly saved my life. Enough of all that! A farmer had built a tank and filled it with alligators, pranhas and other unsavoury and dangerous creatures. He threw a party and said that, if anybody could swim across the tank, he would grant them three wishes. No-one took up his offer and the party continued. Suddenly, there was a big splash, a man swam for his life and made it to the other side. Stunned, the host approached the man to congratulate him and offered three wishes. The man replied “First, give me your shotgun, second, give me some bullets and, third, show me the idiot who pushed me into the pool!” A man goes to the doctor, complaining of frequent migraines. It soon becomes apparent that he has received all the medical treatments available so the GP advised him as follows: When I have a migraine, I lie in my bath and the wife sponges me with really hot water, especially around the temples. I then take her to the bedroom and, no matter how bad I feel, I force myself to be intimate with her. This usually does the trick so give it a try and come back in 6 weeks. The man returns six weeks later and, with a big grin, tells the GP that the treatment has been really successful “This is the first time anyone has helped me and, by the way Doc, you have a really nice house”. An Austrian maid asked her employer's wife for a raise. The wife became angry and asked the maid to justify the request. “Well, there are three reasons. Firstly, I do the ironing better that you”. “Who told you that?” “Your husband. Secondly, I am a better cook then you”. “Who told you that?” through gritted teeth. “Oh, your husband. Thirdly, I am better in bed than you”. The wife exploded “Who told you that, my husband I suppose?”. “No, the gardener” replied the maid. I expect she received her pay rise. A man went to see the nurse about his appendage. She asked him to drop his trousers and he made her promise not to laugh. “I have seen hundreds of naked men and I most certainly will not laugh” However, his appendage was so small that she could not suppress a giggle. Apologising profusely, she asked him what the trouble was. “It's swollen” came the reply. Best wishes Ian Nisbet